I Miss Me

Do you ever feel lost in your own life?  Like everything you do, isn't for you anymore.  That your life just revolves around everyone else and you're like a robot - doing the same shit day in and day out?  That's how I feel lately.  Like everyday is just the same.  I wake up, shower, dress the kids, yell at the kids, feed the kids, do laundry, clean, make dinner, watch tv, talk to my husband, put the kids in the bath, put the kids to bed, go to sleep - REPEAT.  It's a vicious cycle!  Sometimes I just miss ME.  I miss the old me.  The old me who was skinny and got up every morning and got dressed up for work and actually felt beautiful when I looked in the mirror.  The old me who had a job outside the house and got to interact with adults all day.  I sometimes miss the me who could just get up and go when she wanted and actually sit in a restaurant and have dinner.  The old me who lived in the mall and was addicted to shoes.  I don't remember the last time I bought something for myself.

But, then I look at my babies and I forget about the old me and I fall right back into that robot state again.  Because I do it for them.  I do it for my family.  Because this is my life now.  This is what I'm meant to do.  I would do anything for my kids, even give up myself.  I know one day when they get older I'll find myself again.  I'm looking forward to that.  I'm looking forward to the day that my sons will tell me Thank You Mommy and appreciate all that I do for them and appreciate all the sacrifices I had to make for them.  But right now they're so little and they need so much of me, that there's no time to take care of me.  Plus being an Army wife isn't easy to top it off.  It sucks when the Army becomes your husband's mistress because that bitch gets all the attention.  But, you deal with it and you move on because you love him and you'll make this life work.  Some days its awesome and other days it sucks - just like anything else.  I'll follow my husband anywhere and make a life anywhere because this is my family.  And family is the most important thing you'll ever have in life.