I Remember...

I guess because I've been alone this past week I've had alot of free time at night while the kids are in bed so, I've had alot of time to sit and think about alot of things.  I peek in my kids rooms and watch them sleep and I won't lie, lately I've been tearing up looking at how beautiful they are.  And it makes me think back to being a kid myself and makes me realize just how much my mom and my brother are missing out on.  I really wish they could of met my babies.  I know if my mom was here they would be spoiled rotten.  And I know if my brother could of met them, he'd be the first one rolling around on the floor wrestling and whipping out the matchbox cars pretending he's 5 years old again.  Sometimes I don't think life is fair.  And lately, I've been thinking about them more and more and asking myself  "Why?".  And I know I'll never get an answer to that question.  And I guess that's okay.  I know everyone says they are both in a better place now, but I just want them here - with me.  Because I'm selfish.  HAHA.   Let me tell you, you don't realize how much you need your mom, until you can't have her.  You don't realize how much your brother means to you and how much you took your relationship for granted until he's not there anymore.  I have alot of regrets and "what ifs" but I need to look past them and just live off the memories.

When I drop Johnathan off at preschool, I remember going to preschool myself.  BBA in Brooklyn.  I remember it had big big windows in the front of it and my mom used to drop me off, go get a cup of coffee and then sit outside the window and watch me because she was afraid to leave me there.  When I sit and play with Joseph and he starts laughing - I think of my brother.  I remember that deep laugh he used to have as a baby - soooo deep he used to scare himself.  It seems no matter what I do these days, I think back to a childhood memory. 

I know memories are supposed to be happy and bring a smile to your face and mine do.  But, alot of the time it brings a tear to my eye because I realize there are no more memories to be made with them.  Just new ones now as we move on.  Damn you life, why are you so difficult!